How to Gut a German

How to Gut a German

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away (hey I had to have some kind of a beginning), an evil space pirate named Adolf Hitler awaited nervously the unveiling of a sculpture of his mother by the world renowned sculptor, Herb. The weather was perfect without a cloud in the sky, but the calmness would soon be broken. The statue was of his mother sitting in a chair holding an apple, and was in the back of the school where she had taught for ten years, until she was committed.

At exactly 2:00 P.M., Herb, in his plaid suit, gracefully pulled away the curtain from around his latest masterpiece. When Adolf saw the statue he became so enraged he quickly decapitated Herb with a baseball bat, which was very difficult since a baseball bat doesn’t have a sharp edge, so it was a very messy decapitation, with blood and bones flying everywhere.

The reason Adolf killed Herb was because instead of holding an apple, Adolf’s mother had been holding a ball.

The next day, Adolf’s friend (he only had one) asked him, “Why did you do it, Adolf?”

“Well,” replied Adolf, “it wasn’t that much of a loss, he...” Adolf coughed and spit out a clod of hair that had lodged in his throat, “was pretty tasty.” (These people are cannibals.)

“As good as that mime I hit with my truck?”

“No, even better,” replied Adolf, “especially with plenty of syrup.”

The next day on the other side of the planet, Herb’s gorgeous sister, Sonya, made a blood oath that she would get that egotistical SOB Adolf, partly because he had killed her brother, but mostly because he hadn’t saved her any of Herb. Sonya went to the train station, and wrote out a check for a one-way ticket to Bora Bora (where Adolf lived). As she pulled the check from her checkbook, she thought of how it would feel to tear Adolf’s flesh apart. As her train slowly traveled to where her victim lived, she thought of different ways to kill Adolf, and was reminded of her second grade teacher saying she was an imaginative child.

Sonya still kept in her bedroom the beautiful figurine Herb had sculpted for her before she had moved away. It was of a horse bucking off a rider, and always reminded her of her uncle Zeke, who had a ranch with lots of horses, and was always getting thrown off and kicked. She laughed at this thought, but then she remembered Adolf.

At the county fair, Adolf went to the foreign foods exhibit and tried some Swedish Meatballs made from real Swedes. He walked around and saw a magician levitating a strong man while playing a guitar. As Adolf walked into the crowd, he heard a feminine voice say, “You’re in my way idiot.”

Adolf turned around and started saying, “Why you stupid BIT!?” Adolf was stunned by the gorgeous woman he had almost killed. She was about five feet, six inches tall, with green eyes, and shoulder length red hair.

“Pardon me?” She asked, “you were saying?”

Adolf stammered and said, “Ah... I’m Adolf,” and he held out his hand.

“I’m Sonya,” the woman said as she took his hand.

“I’m sorry for saying that, but I’m not used to being talked too like that.”


“Why? Most people who agitate me end up dead.”

“I see.”

“So, what’s a nice girl like you doing in a chaotic place like this?”

“Well, my father was horribly killed by a burglar who broke into our house last night. Today we’re having a cookout, and I’m here to get some cheese for the burgers.”

“Really,” replied Adolf, hungrily.

“I’d invite you, but it’s just for family.”

“Maybe some other time then.”

“Like, tomorrow?”

“Sure,” said Adolf.

Two weeks later Adolf and Sonya were engaged. Adolf proposed while he and Sonya were watching a show about how to gut a German in the woods. Sonya pondered the question for a few moments before saying yes.

The next week they were married in a quite family wedding, well, Sonya’s family, Adolf had already eaten his. (I won’t go into detail about their wedding night.)

The next night, Sonya slipped the key into the lock and stealthily went into Adolf’s room (they slept in different rooms). She felt around in the dark until she found the baseball bat that had killed her brother. She slipped it under the cover and across Adolf’s neck. Adolf awoke with a start as she started to choke him. Sonya turned on the light so he could see the face of his attacker. She kept pressing the bat into his neck, until she heard a slight pop, and Adolf stopped fighting. Sonya never thought it would be so exciting to kill a man with her bare hands. She pulled Adolf onto the floor, and started to do what she had waited so long for. She took out the large hook she had hidden in the toy box earlier that day (Adolf still played with toys). As she stuck it through his neck; blood sprayed everywhere. Sonya dragged Adolf outside the house and hung him from a tree.

Remembering what they were watching when Adolf proposed, Sonya took a knife and carefully started to gut Adolf. Even though he wasn’t German, she figured he was close enough. She felt faintly at first, but her determination for revenge persisted. Sonya removed Adolf’s stomach and laid it aside (she later scored 13 goals with her new soccer ball). She then took out his liver (she loved liver and onions). Ignoring the gruesome mess, Sonya started digging a hole in the ground for the parts of Adolf she didn’t want, his intestines, his lungs, and things like that. She stopped digging, because she thought that it would just be better to put all of the parts in an incinerator, and get rid of them once and for all. Sonya looked into the glassy eyes of her late husband and popped them out with her fingers. Sonya cut off all his flesh, because her family was having a cookout the next day. Finally, she tied all of his bones together so that she could, at last, have something she had always wanted, a skeleton in her closet.

The next day, when the police asked is she had killed Adolf, she flatly denied it. Later she was very happy as she went to her family cookout with the tremendous burden off her shoulders.

* * * * *

The moral of the story is, if you ever become a cannibal and eat somebody, remember to save some for their family.

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